I met with Napper Tandy and I shook him by the hand Said, "Hold me up for Chrissake, for I can hardly stand" The most disgraceful journey I've ever been The last time that I traveled on the boat train
I had a couple of drinks in town, a few more in the port Puked up on the gangway, but some kind folks helped me board Sat me at a table, poured whiskey down my throat Sat me at a table and I lost my watch and coat
First we drank some whiskey, then we had some gin Then we had tequila, and that's what did me in Then we had some brandy and the women had a dance The steward then announced that we could play the game of chance
We crowded around the table with our money in our hands Landed on the other side without a penny in my pants I woke up in the toilet when we got to Holyhead The doors were all a-banging and I wished that I was dead
Then we went through customs, a couple of credited thugs First they looked for bombs and guns, then they looked for drugs Stuck a flashlight up my ass, told some Irish jokes Said, "Fuck off now, paddy," so I headed for the smoke On a boat train
We got on board the train, and then we had a drink or two Started playing poker, but the booze ran out at crew Some people started sleeping, others looked for duty free Some bastard started singing "Little Cottage By The Lee"
He then sang "Paper Roses," "Boolavogue," "Eileen Aru" Somebody started slagging off the Pakis and the Jews Found a bottle of whiskey, found a bottle of gin Sat down in the corner and I read the daily news
First I drank the whiskey, then I drank the gin I tried to make the toilet, but I broke my fucking shin The next thing that I knew, I was in London in the rain Staggering up the platform on the boat train
